Preparing for Change – Step 3

Fortune Cookie Wisdom

I have these little slips of wisdom all over the place!  Quite a few years back I started saving them and have a number of them plastered on the wall or stored in my card case wallet.

This morning while I was lying in bed debating whether or not to get up & go to the 6:00am torture fitness class I signed up for, I had several of those little slips running through my head.

Most notably was this one I got last August....

And this one I got last night....

The one I got last night has really stuck in my head.

I have a closet full of clothes that I wore once & then gained back enough weight to not wear them again in a couple of weeks.

It's this thing I've been noticing that I do.  I lose weight. Celebrate by buying new clothes....instead of eating chocolate cake.  And within a couple of weeks, go right back to my old comfy worn-in uniforms.  I watched myself do it again at the beginning of this year.  I had just started to take a closer look at it when my sister's accident happened.  Talk about extreme circumstances.  I really learned a lot about how I handle things!

Pringles.  Pepsi.  Chocolate Malt Balls.  Jack In The Box.  KFC.  Ben & Jerry's.

I held it together for a few weeks after the accident....and even after having the baby with me by myself.  But by the 4th week it was a free for all!  It was all I could do some days to not do laps through the McDonald's drive-thru!

It was going through this experience that really made me see how I respond to stress & crises.  I don't reach for drugs or alcohol.  I reach for food!  And the fewer nutritional content, the more I could eat of it!


So while I was lying in bed hitting the snooze button & resetting my alarm....these little gems of wisdom ran through my head like ticker tape...


TRY SOMETHING  NEW....TRY SOMETHING NEW....TRY SOMETHING NEW ....NEW....NEW....NEW....


For me, at this point in my fitness program, trying something new would be to get up out of bed & go to class....instead of lying there thinking about it.


I think I will also try visualizing myself in the cute clothes that I have in the closet, that way when they do fit, not only will they feel comfortable....but I will feel comfortable in them!!

Preparing for Change – Step 2

Breaking the All-You-Can-Eat-I-Have-To-Get-My-Money’s-Worth Binge Eating mindset....going from quantity to quality.

As someone with a compulsive eating problem, keeping food in the house is cause for high anxiety.  I’ve experimented with grocery shopping in the past....and almost always end up eating the entire box of cereal in 2-3 days....or a week’s worth of PB & J sandwiches in a day.  Or worse....throwing away $20 worth of fresh fruit & veggies....or halibut....because I don’t take the time to figure out what to do with them.  It’s much easier to grab fast food or go out to eat....plus it allows me to be social.

HA!!

All that’s really helped me do is accumulate eating partners instead of cultivating friendships, while spending more money on top of the fresh food I have to throw out.

A big part of this is my lack of planning or sticking to a schedule.   Here’s a chart I made on 06/01 last year when I started really taking a look at things....

An even bigger part is not taking time out for myself.

I bought a kayak in Oct 2009.  I even made a sweet cart for it…darn kayak is like 60#!  Have I taken it out yet?  NOPE!

I mentioned getting a fishing pole to my sister & she bought me one for my birthday last year.  Guess where it still is....

Yup….hasn’t moved from the spot where I put it after the BBQ.

What’s wrong with me?!?!   Why can I spend so much money on food and wasting it....but I won’t take the time out for myself?!?!

Well that’s what this summer is all about!

Slowing down….focusing on me….(even as I type that I feel guilty for being selfish!)….figuring out what the next step after breathing is….and spending more time preparing food that’s going to nourish my body & soul (I feel cheesy typing that).

If I put half as much thought, effort, and love into preparing food for myself as I do for my bowling league, I should be pretty well set!

Well....I just have to remember to leave out the bacon!

Preparing for Change - Step 1

Stop saying "I will do that after I lose weight...."


If I continue to use that as an excuse, then I will miss out on living life.


I've had various "couch potato to 5K" websites bookmarked for the past 5 years in the hopes of getting around to actually doing them.


Well....here we go....

If anyone wants to join me....http://www.redwoodsmarathon.org/

Realizations of a Fat Girl

I don’t know how to be thin.

As I was running the indoor track in fitness class this morning….that’s right….RUNNING!  Ok, so I didn’t run the entire half mile, but I did run at least 3/4 of it!!  And as I was imagining myself flying around the corners of the track, I realized that I don’t know how to be thin. 

I haven’t been overweight my entire life, but I have always been the “fat girl”….at least in my mind I was.  If I think back to when I started to see myself that way, it would probably be 4^th grade.  In fact I know the exact picture that sums it all up for me.  We were on a class field trip to the San Buenaventura Mission & my mom snapped a picture of me sitting on a wall…my gouchos pulled tight across my roly poly belly.

I was 9.

As I got older, I slimmed out a little....but I always had big thighs….and I never saw myself as being “thin.”  Even when I was leaning a little toward the anorexic side during my sophomore & junior year….I was still the fattest girl in school.

So here I am….20+ years and 150+ pounds later.

I’ve lost weight several times before, but always ended up putting it back on….and then some!!

I don’t know how to be thin.

It scares me.

I don’t know how to be the girl that can wear clothes off the rack.  Or sit comfortably with her legs crossed.  Or have someone….usually of the opposite sex….give me a compliment and not feel like they are only saying it because they want something from me.

Being fat is safe.

But it can also be miserable and uncomfortable and even a little lonely.

Dear PTB

Thank you so much for the arrival of the beautiful new addition to our family!  We are truly blessed to have her with us, as well as healthy!


Thank you for all the wonderful people in our lives!  The love & support they have shared with my family has been more than anyone can ask for!


Thank you for watching over my sister!  There are no words to describe what I feel to have her here with us!  Her journey will be a challenging one, although she is strong!


We've been giving it some thought, and know that there are so many people that need healing, so instead of focusing our energy on a speedy recovery, we came up with a few small steps that we felt might be a more efficient use of our energy for now....


1.  That Tatiana is able to hear, understand, and perform the requests that the medical staff ask of her when they ask her.


2.  That Tatiana opens her eyes.


3.  That both of Tatiana's eyes respond normally to light stimuli.


Thank you for listening & always being there!

letting go

I need to get this out of my head so I can be done with thinking about it....


You & I are not friends.  We never were.  What I want from you, you can't give me.


I hope you find someone that cherishes your heart more than you were careless with mine.


Someone that stimulates your mind more than you fucked with mine.  


Someone that will be there for you more than you ditched me.  


Someone that makes you feel like you want to be a better person the way I felt with you.


Someone that helps you learn what it's like to love and be loved in return.

Redeeming the Executioner

In another life I was an Animal Control Officer.  I campaigned really hard to get that job.  There were lots of tests and interviews.  I scored high in the first round, but they hired someone with vet's office experience.  I didn't have any experience other than my own love of animals.  Well, I should really say my mother's influence for taking in the wounded & strays :)


About 6 months after the first interview, I got a call back for another interview.  I had already taken a long term assignment as a temporary employee with the City of Ventura in the Accounting Department, which I readily gave up for the chance to work for Animal Control.


It wasn't an easy job.  And being the new kid, I got stuck with a lot of the crap work & shifts.  We all had to do our 2 week rotations with the various tasks.....overnights, kennel, quarantine, vet's office, and my favorite ::read with a facetious smile:: the barnyard.  I didn't mind the horses, chicken, llamas, or even the dead blotted sheep that I had to transport with out exploding....but the goats were another story.  Those fuckers were mean!


We also had to do our 2 week rotation in the "green room."  That's where the euthanizing took place.


For the most part, it was a happy room.  Well, we tried to make it a happy room.  Some senior officers liked music, some like quiet, some liked others to stop by, and some just wanted the 2 of us in there.


Being the newbie, it was my responsibility to hold the animals for the injections.  Dogs got a main line in the front right leg.  Cats got a belly shot.  The one thing they all got when I held them was unconditional love.


It's been 20 years since I had that job.  The memory of the first animal I cradled in my arms as it passed is still as vivid as the moment it happened.


On any given day during the spring, we euthanized 75+ animals.


I have this particular knack for pissing people off.  And apparently I pissed off the director's girlfriend.  I started to notice that I kept getting worse & worse assignments, and I spent more than my fair share of time in the "green room."  My husband at the time lovingly called me the Executioner.  Odd thing is, to this day, I remember most of the animals that I euthanized.  Although none stick out in my head as much as the large white samoyed-mix that he used to play with when he would come keep me company when I got stuck out in the BFE office in Simi Valley. 


I cried quietly into the dog's neck as I held his arm out for the injection, and whispered words of love into his ear as he went limp in my arms.  I carried his 70+ pound lifeless body to the freezer by myself and carefully placed him in the 55 gallon drum.  I visited him a few times as he sat waiting for the D&D truck to come pick up the drums.  I dreaded going home & telling my husband that his playmate was gone.


I don't recall too much more about the job after that day.  In fact, I got fired.  I got my 3-month evaluation almost 2 months late, but it was still within the 6-month time frame where they can let you go for any reason & don't have to tell you.  Considering I was in the minority....being one of 3 heterosexual females in a department that was pre-dominantly not and was 95% female....it didn't surprise me.  Especially since I continued to piss off the director's girlfriend.  I don't do "office politics" well :)


What brings up all these memories?  I have decided to volunteer with our local Humane Society. I started orientation & training yesterday.  I didn't expect to be hit with such overwhelming emotions walking through the facility.  It was definitely a strange feeling.  


I was talking to my friend about it & realized that I had stayed away from this type of situation all these years.  I suppose there's lots of things that I could have chosen to volunteer for....but this feels right.


Part of the healing process <3