Realizations of a Fat Girl

I don’t know how to be thin.

As I was running the indoor track in fitness class this morning….that’s right….RUNNING!  Ok, so I didn’t run the entire half mile, but I did run at least 3/4 of it!!  And as I was imagining myself flying around the corners of the track, I realized that I don’t know how to be thin. 

I haven’t been overweight my entire life, but I have always been the “fat girl”….at least in my mind I was.  If I think back to when I started to see myself that way, it would probably be 4^th grade.  In fact I know the exact picture that sums it all up for me.  We were on a class field trip to the San Buenaventura Mission & my mom snapped a picture of me sitting on a wall…my gouchos pulled tight across my roly poly belly.

I was 9.

As I got older, I slimmed out a little....but I always had big thighs….and I never saw myself as being “thin.”  Even when I was leaning a little toward the anorexic side during my sophomore & junior year….I was still the fattest girl in school.

So here I am….20+ years and 150+ pounds later.

I’ve lost weight several times before, but always ended up putting it back on….and then some!!

I don’t know how to be thin.

It scares me.

I don’t know how to be the girl that can wear clothes off the rack.  Or sit comfortably with her legs crossed.  Or have someone….usually of the opposite sex….give me a compliment and not feel like they are only saying it because they want something from me.

Being fat is safe.

But it can also be miserable and uncomfortable and even a little lonely.