I need to get this out of my head so I can be done with thinking about it....
You & I are not friends. We never were. What I want from you, you can't give me.
I hope you find someone that cherishes your heart more than you were careless with mine.
Someone that stimulates your mind more than you fucked with mine.
Someone that will be there for you more than you ditched me.
Someone that makes you feel like you want to be a better person the way I felt with you.
Someone that helps you learn what it's like to love and be loved in return.
Saturday, January 22, 2011
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Redeeming the Executioner
In another life I was an Animal Control Officer. I campaigned really hard to get that job. There were lots of tests and interviews. I scored high in the first round, but they hired someone with vet's office experience. I didn't have any experience other than my own love of animals. Well, I should really say my mother's influence for taking in the wounded & strays :)
About 6 months after the first interview, I got a call back for another interview. I had already taken a long term assignment as a temporary employee with the City of Ventura in the Accounting Department, which I readily gave up for the chance to work for Animal Control.
It wasn't an easy job. And being the new kid, I got stuck with a lot of the crap work & shifts. We all had to do our 2 week rotations with the various tasks.....overnights, kennel, quarantine, vet's office, and my favorite ::read with a facetious smile:: the barnyard. I didn't mind the horses, chicken, llamas, or even the dead blotted sheep that I had to transport with out exploding....but the goats were another story. Those fuckers were mean!
We also had to do our 2 week rotation in the "green room." That's where the euthanizing took place.
For the most part, it was a happy room. Well, we tried to make it a happy room. Some senior officers liked music, some like quiet, some liked others to stop by, and some just wanted the 2 of us in there.
Being the newbie, it was my responsibility to hold the animals for the injections. Dogs got a main line in the front right leg. Cats got a belly shot. The one thing they all got when I held them was unconditional love.
It's been 20 years since I had that job. The memory of the first animal I cradled in my arms as it passed is still as vivid as the moment it happened.
On any given day during the spring, we euthanized 75+ animals.
I have this particular knack for pissing people off. And apparently I pissed off the director's girlfriend. I started to notice that I kept getting worse & worse assignments, and I spent more than my fair share of time in the "green room." My husband at the time lovingly called me the Executioner. Odd thing is, to this day, I remember most of the animals that I euthanized. Although none stick out in my head as much as the large white samoyed-mix that he used to play with when he would come keep me company when I got stuck out in the BFE office in Simi Valley.
I cried quietly into the dog's neck as I held his arm out for the injection, and whispered words of love into his ear as he went limp in my arms. I carried his 70+ pound lifeless body to the freezer by myself and carefully placed him in the 55 gallon drum. I visited him a few times as he sat waiting for the D&D truck to come pick up the drums. I dreaded going home & telling my husband that his playmate was gone.
I don't recall too much more about the job after that day. In fact, I got fired. I got my 3-month evaluation almost 2 months late, but it was still within the 6-month time frame where they can let you go for any reason & don't have to tell you. Considering I was in the minority....being one of 3 heterosexual females in a department that was pre-dominantly not and was 95% female....it didn't surprise me. Especially since I continued to piss off the director's girlfriend. I don't do "office politics" well :)
What brings up all these memories? I have decided to volunteer with our local Humane Society. I started orientation & training yesterday. I didn't expect to be hit with such overwhelming emotions walking through the facility. It was definitely a strange feeling.
I was talking to my friend about it & realized that I had stayed away from this type of situation all these years. I suppose there's lots of things that I could have chosen to volunteer for....but this feels right.
Part of the healing process <3
About 6 months after the first interview, I got a call back for another interview. I had already taken a long term assignment as a temporary employee with the City of Ventura in the Accounting Department, which I readily gave up for the chance to work for Animal Control.
It wasn't an easy job. And being the new kid, I got stuck with a lot of the crap work & shifts. We all had to do our 2 week rotations with the various tasks.....overnights, kennel, quarantine, vet's office, and my favorite ::read with a facetious smile:: the barnyard. I didn't mind the horses, chicken, llamas, or even the dead blotted sheep that I had to transport with out exploding....but the goats were another story. Those fuckers were mean!
We also had to do our 2 week rotation in the "green room." That's where the euthanizing took place.
For the most part, it was a happy room. Well, we tried to make it a happy room. Some senior officers liked music, some like quiet, some liked others to stop by, and some just wanted the 2 of us in there.
Being the newbie, it was my responsibility to hold the animals for the injections. Dogs got a main line in the front right leg. Cats got a belly shot. The one thing they all got when I held them was unconditional love.
It's been 20 years since I had that job. The memory of the first animal I cradled in my arms as it passed is still as vivid as the moment it happened.
On any given day during the spring, we euthanized 75+ animals.
I have this particular knack for pissing people off. And apparently I pissed off the director's girlfriend. I started to notice that I kept getting worse & worse assignments, and I spent more than my fair share of time in the "green room." My husband at the time lovingly called me the Executioner. Odd thing is, to this day, I remember most of the animals that I euthanized. Although none stick out in my head as much as the large white samoyed-mix that he used to play with when he would come keep me company when I got stuck out in the BFE office in Simi Valley.
I cried quietly into the dog's neck as I held his arm out for the injection, and whispered words of love into his ear as he went limp in my arms. I carried his 70+ pound lifeless body to the freezer by myself and carefully placed him in the 55 gallon drum. I visited him a few times as he sat waiting for the D&D truck to come pick up the drums. I dreaded going home & telling my husband that his playmate was gone.
I don't recall too much more about the job after that day. In fact, I got fired. I got my 3-month evaluation almost 2 months late, but it was still within the 6-month time frame where they can let you go for any reason & don't have to tell you. Considering I was in the minority....being one of 3 heterosexual females in a department that was pre-dominantly not and was 95% female....it didn't surprise me. Especially since I continued to piss off the director's girlfriend. I don't do "office politics" well :)
What brings up all these memories? I have decided to volunteer with our local Humane Society. I started orientation & training yesterday. I didn't expect to be hit with such overwhelming emotions walking through the facility. It was definitely a strange feeling.
I was talking to my friend about it & realized that I had stayed away from this type of situation all these years. I suppose there's lots of things that I could have chosen to volunteer for....but this feels right.
Part of the healing process <3
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
the start of a great day
Forgot to set the alarm.
No light in the bathroom at the hotel.
Burned the top of my head with the flat iron.
No plain oatmeal at the continental breakfast.
Peeled hard-boiled egg & took off most of the egg white.
Burned my bagel in the toaster.
Line at Starbucks was at least 10 cars long, went in, stood at the counter while clerk was washing dishes, ended up walking out after a few minutes when the manager came out of the back bitching about the bananas & no one came to the counter to take my order.
Ordered a large iced tea at Jack in the Box, got to the window & they didn't have any large cups.
Running 1/2 hour late & still have 45 minutes to drive.
Ended up getting my Grande Skinny Caramel Latte with an extra shot 30 minutes later, burned my tongue & realized they gave me "extra hot."
Having a great day = wearing a pair of pants I bought 4 years ago with the intention of "fitting into them" :)
No light in the bathroom at the hotel.
Burned the top of my head with the flat iron.
No plain oatmeal at the continental breakfast.
Peeled hard-boiled egg & took off most of the egg white.
Burned my bagel in the toaster.
Line at Starbucks was at least 10 cars long, went in, stood at the counter while clerk was washing dishes, ended up walking out after a few minutes when the manager came out of the back bitching about the bananas & no one came to the counter to take my order.
Ordered a large iced tea at Jack in the Box, got to the window & they didn't have any large cups.
Running 1/2 hour late & still have 45 minutes to drive.
Ended up getting my Grande Skinny Caramel Latte with an extra shot 30 minutes later, burned my tongue & realized they gave me "extra hot."
Having a great day = wearing a pair of pants I bought 4 years ago with the intention of "fitting into them" :)
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
"let go of whatever holds you back"
I bought this cute little gift book of zen quotes. I'll read through it and at least one of them resonates with me strongly.
Last night it was this one...
"Let go of whatever holds you back."
All my life I have been told to "let it go"...but no one has ever told me how I'm supposed to do that. That has probably been the most frustrating theme running throughout my life.
Then one day in my eating disorder group we were presented with a journaling assignment...
"What would it mean to lose the weight?"
I never did that journaling exercise....but the question still haunts me 10 years later.
I've tried off & on throughout the years to look at the question, but the answer always seemed to evade me. My mind would go bird-walking & I'd be off on some other tangent that somehow in my mind was related.
A few years back during a session with my therapist....the same one that ran the eating disorder group way back when....I remember telling her "I'm tired of this...I just want it to stop!" Her response was something along the lines of "you must be enjoying it otherwise you wouldn't keep doing it."
Boy was I pissed!
My therapist just told me that I enjoyed the drama in my life.
Well....that's probably not what she said....but that's how I took it :) And ever since that conversation, I have taken a hard look....maybe too hard at times....at my behavior. There's no way in hell I wanted to be "one of those people." You know the kind....likes to bitch for the sake of bitching....likes to complain, but doesn't want to resolve the issue.
So the behavior analyst in me has learned to ask the question "what function does it serve?" After all, all behavior has a function. And we repetitively engage in behavior because it works for us. So therefore, why the hell don't I stop it?! Because that would require me to be honest with myself....and I'm not ready to go there.
The path of least resistance would be to keep doing the behavior....even though it does not bring me joy....rather than be honest. If we're honest, we're more likely to hear something that we don't want to hear. So it's easier to ignore it & continue with the behavior we don't like.
But there comes a point in life when you really just get tired of being "that person" and your excuses for why you're the way you are just don't work any more. There comes a point when all the ruminating....or obsessive thinking....is put into words. All of a sudden the words you never had....or were too afraid to speak out loud....come flying out of your mouth.
And once that happens....there's no taking them back.
At least that's what happened for me....during a conversation with my ex-husband no less....someone I hadn't spoken to in 15 years.
He asked a totally innocuous question. And me being me....always gotta do things the hard way....the awkward silence of not answering the question was more unbearable.
::start bird-walk::
Another quote I have come across recently....
"When the student is ready, the teacher will appear."
Boy isn't that the truth!!
::end bird-walk::
So here I was....speaking the words out loud that I had NEVER allowed to leave my mouth....not even at the price I paid for all that therapy!
And once they were out, I couldn't take them back.
I was forced to deal with what I had done....which is what I have been doing the last couple of weeks.
So how does all this tie back into the journaling question from 10 years ago....
The response to the question I was presented with was "I did that once before....and you chose something else....not me. So I'm not real keen on doing that again."
Here's where the behavior analyst takes over....
In a nutshell....any other behavior....including ones that don't make me feel good about myself....are more preferable than behavior that would put me in a position to be rejected....to not be chosen.
I can't lose if I don't ever play the game....I can't have my heart ripped out with a spoon if I chose someone that doesn't know how to love....I can't get hurt if I don't ever let you near me.
That's what it would mean if I lost the weight....my excuse for not being chosen would be taken away.
If I'm overweight, I can always blame the fat girl.
Without the weight, there would just be the girl....the girl who isn't good enough to be chosen.
Good thing I'm smart enough to know that's faulty thinking. Bummer it took me all this time recognize it :)
So that's where I'm at today....kinda like one of those sliding tile puzzles.
Last night it was this one...
"Let go of whatever holds you back."
All my life I have been told to "let it go"...but no one has ever told me how I'm supposed to do that. That has probably been the most frustrating theme running throughout my life.
Then one day in my eating disorder group we were presented with a journaling assignment...
"What would it mean to lose the weight?"
I never did that journaling exercise....but the question still haunts me 10 years later.
I've tried off & on throughout the years to look at the question, but the answer always seemed to evade me. My mind would go bird-walking & I'd be off on some other tangent that somehow in my mind was related.
A few years back during a session with my therapist....the same one that ran the eating disorder group way back when....I remember telling her "I'm tired of this...I just want it to stop!" Her response was something along the lines of "you must be enjoying it otherwise you wouldn't keep doing it."
Boy was I pissed!
My therapist just told me that I enjoyed the drama in my life.
Well....that's probably not what she said....but that's how I took it :) And ever since that conversation, I have taken a hard look....maybe too hard at times....at my behavior. There's no way in hell I wanted to be "one of those people." You know the kind....likes to bitch for the sake of bitching....likes to complain, but doesn't want to resolve the issue.
So the behavior analyst in me has learned to ask the question "what function does it serve?" After all, all behavior has a function. And we repetitively engage in behavior because it works for us. So therefore, why the hell don't I stop it?! Because that would require me to be honest with myself....and I'm not ready to go there.
The path of least resistance would be to keep doing the behavior....even though it does not bring me joy....rather than be honest. If we're honest, we're more likely to hear something that we don't want to hear. So it's easier to ignore it & continue with the behavior we don't like.
But there comes a point in life when you really just get tired of being "that person" and your excuses for why you're the way you are just don't work any more. There comes a point when all the ruminating....or obsessive thinking....is put into words. All of a sudden the words you never had....or were too afraid to speak out loud....come flying out of your mouth.
And once that happens....there's no taking them back.
At least that's what happened for me....during a conversation with my ex-husband no less....someone I hadn't spoken to in 15 years.
He asked a totally innocuous question. And me being me....always gotta do things the hard way....the awkward silence of not answering the question was more unbearable.
::start bird-walk::
Another quote I have come across recently....
"When the student is ready, the teacher will appear."
Boy isn't that the truth!!
::end bird-walk::
So here I was....speaking the words out loud that I had NEVER allowed to leave my mouth....not even at the price I paid for all that therapy!
And once they were out, I couldn't take them back.
I was forced to deal with what I had done....which is what I have been doing the last couple of weeks.
So how does all this tie back into the journaling question from 10 years ago....
The response to the question I was presented with was "I did that once before....and you chose something else....not me. So I'm not real keen on doing that again."
Here's where the behavior analyst takes over....
In a nutshell....any other behavior....including ones that don't make me feel good about myself....are more preferable than behavior that would put me in a position to be rejected....to not be chosen.
I can't lose if I don't ever play the game....I can't have my heart ripped out with a spoon if I chose someone that doesn't know how to love....I can't get hurt if I don't ever let you near me.
That's what it would mean if I lost the weight....my excuse for not being chosen would be taken away.
If I'm overweight, I can always blame the fat girl.
Without the weight, there would just be the girl....the girl who isn't good enough to be chosen.
Good thing I'm smart enough to know that's faulty thinking. Bummer it took me all this time recognize it :)
So that's where I'm at today....kinda like one of those sliding tile puzzles.
Monday, January 3, 2011
getting my ass kicked
Went to my first cycling class....WTF was I thinking?!?!
Oh...I know! I needed some new way of torturing myself....especially since McDonald's has been banned from my existence....at least until after 04/16/2011.
10 minutes into it & I was ready to start walking the stationary bike...and class hadn't even started!
::note to self:: when arriving early, put belongings on the bike....NOT body....as a place holder!!
So after the warm-up we started the "hills." Since this was the first class of the year, she wanted to re-focus on getting to know our bodies and what it is telling us at different levels. She likes the talk test...
being able to have a conversation with the person next to you....need more resistance
being able to say a short sentence to the person next you....getting warmer
being able to smile at the person next to you & not pass out....you're at the top of the hill baby!
About 15 minutes into the hill intervals my fingers started getting tingly. Familiar sensation since that happens when I ride my bike.
A few more minutes & my feet started getting that tingly sensation....just before I think they went numb.
Don't even get me started on the seated area!!
Every time I started to notice how much it fucking hurt, I would ask myself "what hurts worse? being uncomfortable for a few minutes....or all the time from carrying around the weight."
There were a few times I almost got my fat butt off the bike. But then the trainer & the people around me were so encouraging. So I continued to peddle at my own pace.
At one point I thought I had left my body....then just realized that she had put a Pink Floyd track on.
I made it through the entire 60 minute class. And I didn't throw up. Although there were a few minutes that were slightly reminiscent of my 4-hour karate belt test. I kept thinking about how I was high for days after that & continued to peddle :)
Saturday, January 1, 2011
One foot in front of the other!
Keep moving forward!!
2010 was a pretty good year....no reason 2011 can't be even better :)
Instead of making resolutions & goals that I can't ever seem to manage....this year's theme is 25%!
Save 25% of my income
Reduce mindless spending by 25%
Decrease weight by 25%
Take at least 25% of my time for myself :)
these sound manageable....
2010 was a pretty good year....no reason 2011 can't be even better :)
Instead of making resolutions & goals that I can't ever seem to manage....this year's theme is 25%!
Save 25% of my income
Reduce mindless spending by 25%
Decrease weight by 25%
Take at least 25% of my time for myself :)
these sound manageable....
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