"let go of whatever holds you back"

I bought this cute little gift book of zen quotes.  I'll read through it and at least one of them resonates with me strongly.


Last night it was this one...


"Let go of whatever holds you back."


All my life I have been told to "let it go"...but no one has ever told me how I'm supposed to do that.  That has probably been the most frustrating theme running throughout my life.


Then one day in my eating disorder group we were presented with a journaling assignment...


"What would it mean to lose the weight?"


I never did that journaling exercise....but the question still haunts me 10 years later.


I've tried off & on throughout the years to look at the question, but the answer always seemed to evade me.  My mind would go bird-walking & I'd be off on some other tangent that somehow in my mind was related.


A few years back during a session with my therapist....the same one that ran the eating disorder group way back when....I remember telling her "I'm tired of this...I just want it to stop!"  Her response was something along the lines of "you must be enjoying it otherwise you wouldn't keep doing it."


Boy was I pissed!


My therapist just told me that I enjoyed the drama in my life.


Well....that's probably not what she said....but that's how I took it :)  And ever since that conversation, I have taken a hard look....maybe too hard at times....at my behavior.  There's no way in hell I wanted to be "one of those people."  You know the kind....likes to bitch for the sake of bitching....likes to complain, but doesn't want to resolve the issue.


So the behavior analyst in me has learned to ask the question "what function does it serve?"  After all, all behavior has a function.  And we repetitively engage in behavior because it works for us.  So therefore, why the hell don't I stop it?!  Because that would require me to be honest with myself....and I'm not ready to go there.


The path of least resistance would be to keep doing the behavior....even though it does not bring me joy....rather than be honest.  If we're honest, we're more likely to hear something that we don't want to hear.  So it's easier to ignore it & continue with the behavior we don't like.  


But there comes a point in life when you really just get tired of being "that person" and your excuses for why you're the way you are just don't work any more.  There comes a point when all the ruminating....or obsessive thinking....is put into words.  All of a sudden the words you never had....or were too afraid to speak out loud....come flying out of your mouth.


And once that happens....there's no taking them back.


At least that's what happened for me....during a conversation with my ex-husband no less....someone I hadn't spoken to in 15 years.


He asked a totally innocuous question.  And me being me....always gotta do things the hard way....the awkward silence of not answering the question was more unbearable.


::start bird-walk::


Another quote I have come across recently....


"When the student is ready, the teacher will appear."


Boy isn't that the truth!!


::end bird-walk::


So here I was....speaking the words out loud that I had NEVER allowed to leave my mouth....not even at the price I paid for all that therapy!


And once they were out, I couldn't take them back.


I was forced to deal with what I had done....which is what I have been doing the last couple of weeks.


So how does all this tie back into the journaling question from 10 years ago....


The response to the question I was presented with was "I did that once before....and you chose something else....not me.  So I'm not real keen on doing that again."


Here's where the behavior analyst takes over....


In a nutshell....any other behavior....including ones that don't make me feel good about myself....are more preferable than behavior that would put me in a position to be rejected....to not be chosen.


I can't lose if I don't ever play the game....I can't have my heart ripped out with a spoon if I chose someone that doesn't know how to love....I can't get hurt if I don't ever let you near me.


That's what it would mean if I lost the weight....my excuse for not being chosen would be taken away. 


If I'm overweight, I can always blame the fat girl.


Without the weight, there would just be the girl....the girl who isn't good enough to be chosen.


Good thing I'm smart enough to know that's faulty thinking.  Bummer it took me all this time recognize it :)


So that's where I'm at today....kinda like one of those sliding tile puzzles.